Tuesday 29 June 2010

The Gallery. An Ode to Pip.

The Gallery: Week 17. Emotions

This weeks prompt for the Gallery over at Sticky Fingers is a little different. This week it is a hybrid between Taras Gallery and Josie from Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop. I try and join in on the Gallery every week, but I have to admit I have never been tempted to join the Writing Workshop because I am just not a creative writer. I started this blog a couple of months ago for fun and to catalogue all of the great things my Little Boy does and says. I am also rather prone to forgetting my manners and the odd rude word sneaks into a post (best not look at my most recent one if this is likely to offend).
Anyway, the prompt arrived on Friday as usual and I felt absolutely compelled to join in despite my reticence about 'proper' writing. The date on Friday was June 25th, an important and auspicious date for me. This is why.........

An Ode to Pip.
Friday, June 25th 2010. Today is my wedding anniversary. Five years ago today I married my soulmate. I should be happy. I am happy. There is a cloud. Something else should have been happening today, or near to today. It isn't.
Wednesday, December 9th 2009. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I have no reason to be worried. Yet I feel a strange sense of foreboding I cannot explain. It's just a routine scan. In half an hour it will all be over. We will laugh at my over anxious mind. We will finally be able to share our news. It will be fine.
We have the first appointment of the day. We go straight in to a little room and I lie down on the couch. The sonographer puts warm jelly onto my tummy and looks at the screen. We all look at the screen. There is a tiny head and a little body. Yes, I see arms and legs. I see Pip. Mr gave her that name 'Princess and the pea' - Pip. I smile, it is going to be fine. The sonographer doesn't say anything, her brow is furrowed, concentrating. 'It's sleeping' she says, tentatively. The anxious feeling returns. She presses harder. Pip doesn't move. 'I'm just going to get my colleague to have a look' she says. She leaves the room.
I turn to Mr. He doesn't say anything. He squeezes my hand. 'Pip's not sleeping', I say. 'She's dead'. Even as I say the words. I cannot cry. I feel numb. The two sonographers return. The second one runs the probe over my lower abdomen. 'There's no easy way to say this...........' he begins.
We leave the hospital. I knew it was too good to be true. The due date on our wedding anniversary. What are the odds of that? 'By my calculations, you're due on June 25th' My Doctor had said. I couldn't have been happier. Now it wasn't going to happen at all. Forevermore, this date will mean mixed emotions for me. 

 In years to come, I will not associate this date with any negative emotions. This year it is a little raw for obvious reasons. It is best to remember the reason why this date is usually a happy one for me.

 25th June 2005






20 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss...people forget that a due date is so etched in our minds and yours for other reasons too. I saw your tweet about knowing what to write about on Friday.X Beautiful picture by the way

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  2. You have floored me. I am ever so sorry for the loss of Pip. The loss of a potential life is devastating, all that they could be and do. Tears and all that

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  3. So brave of you to open your heart and write about this. So sorry for your loss. I hope the happy memories can peek through the sadness.

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  4. So sorry for your loss. Such a lovely heart felt piece must have been hard to compose.
    BTW you are ruddy gorgeous, would never guess you are so rude from those photos of you dressed in white!! Love your dress!
    Ps can see why your hubby gets attention from gay men now! Xx

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  5. What a post. I've been there & its horrible. My baby's due date should have been in a couple of weeks time & i cannot stop thinking about it. I am sorry that you've experienced it too.
    However, the pictures you have included are gorgeous! Many congratulations to you on your wedding anniversary, x

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  6. How dare you say you can't write creatively, that was beautifully and sensitively written. I wish I could give you a hug - so this is a 'comment hug' ok. I was going to announce a pregnancy on my wedding day but lost the baby a week before, no one ever knew.

    You and your husband are quite gorgeous xx

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  7. Thank you to all of you that have commented so far. It was a bittersweet day last Friday, but that's because it was my due date. I think it will get easier (the anniversary) as the years go by and hopefully one day there will be another Pip to soften the blow.

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  8. This is a remarkable post beautiful lady. I too have been there, my due date was my mother in law's birthday and family parties on that day are still very hard with everyone laughing and forgetting. But it has got quieter and less painful (unless I poke the place, if you know what I mean). Lots of love to you because my words won't make it easier, time will.
    Those photos are gorgeous and THAT dress...wow! Beautiful people on a beautiful day! xxxx

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  9. Big BIG hugs to you darling. xxxx

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  10. Sorry for your loss *hugs! xx

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  11. Oh lots of ((hugs)) for you - how brave of you to share that with us xx

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  12. We've been trying for a baby for a year now, and that's what I wrote my Gallery post about.

    I know how devastating it's been for me to lose just the dream of a child, so I can hardly imagine how you feel. I hope writing about it has been cathartic, thank-you very much for sharing.

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  13. A friend of mine faces her due date tomorrow and like you had devastating news last December. She is in a bad way, that doesn't even come close to describing it. Knowing how she feels I can only say that I understand as much as an outsider can. Big hug for you Jen xx

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  14. Your post echoes the experience of me and my partner. I will never forget being ushered into a little side room after, handed leaflets and told our options; wait, take a tablet and wait or an 'evacuation'- how cold. Hopes dashed before they had a chance to grow. After the third loss she was signed off with bereavement, 'you need to grieve' our caring GP said. My thoughts are with you and hope you find your way of grieving and this post goes a little way towards it.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss and have to say you are very brave to write about it. You looked very beautiful on your wedding day ;)

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  16. Oh my lovely, I too went through this back in February and it is such a hard day without it being a date you will remember. But there will be another pip and you have your gorgeous little man to keep busy with for now. Big hugs and kisses sweetie. xxx

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  17. I want to write so much but can't find the words. Yours were so beautiful.
    I think you are an inspirational writer and, if your photos are anything to go by, a very beautiful woman. I wish you all the strength and happiness in the world.
    MJM x

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  18. So sorry to hear of your loss. I have also been in the same situation. All I can say is don't lose hope, there WILL be another Pip. I know there's nothing I can say to help so I'm just sending big *hugs* x

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  19. Such a moving post, so sorry to hear about your loss. Your such a beautiful person inside and out, pip will always be in your heart, but maybe that's a good thing XXXXX

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