The Gallery. An Ode to Pip.

The Gallery: Week 17. Emotions

This weeks prompt for the Gallery over at Sticky Fingers is a little different. This week it is a hybrid between Taras Gallery and Josie from Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop. I try and join in on the Gallery every week, but I have to admit I have never been tempted to join the Writing Workshop because I am just not a creative writer. I started this blog a couple of months ago for fun and to catalogue all of the great things my Little Boy does and says. I am also rather prone to forgetting my manners and the odd rude word sneaks into a post (best not look at my most recent one if this is likely to offend).

Anyway, the prompt arrived on Friday as usual and I felt absolutely compelled to join in despite my reticence about 'proper' writing. The date on Friday was June 25th, an important and auspicious date for me. This is why.........

An Ode to Pip.

Friday, June 25th 2010. Today is my wedding anniversary. Five years ago today I married my soulmate. I should be happy. I am happy. There is a cloud. Something else should have been happening today, or near to today. It isn't.

Wednesday, December 9th 2009. I didn't sleep a wink last night. I have no reason to be worried. Yet I feel a strange sense of foreboding I cannot explain. It's just a routine scan. In half an hour it will all be over. We will laugh at my over anxious mind. We will finally be able to share our news. It will be fine.
We have the first appointment of the day. We go straight in to a little room and I lie down on the couch. The sonographer puts warm jelly onto my tummy and looks at the screen. We all look at the screen. There is a tiny head and a little body. Yes, I see arms and legs. I see Pip. Mr gave her that name 'Princess and the pea' - Pip. I smile, it is going to be fine. The sonographer doesn't say anything, her brow is furrowed, concentrating. 'It's sleeping' she says, tentatively. The anxious feeling returns. She presses harder. Pip doesn't move. 'I'm just going to get my colleague to have a look' she says. She leaves the room.

I turn to Mr. He doesn't say anything. He squeezes my hand. 'Pip's not sleeping', I say. 'She's dead'. Even as I say the words. I cannot cry. I feel numb. The two sonographers return. The second one runs the probe over my lower abdomen. 'There's no easy way to say this...........' he begins.

We leave the hospital. I knew it was too good to be true. The due date on our wedding anniversary. What are the odds of that? 'By my calculations, you're due on June 25th' My Doctor had said. I couldn't have been happier. Now it wasn't going to happen at all. Forevermore, this date will mean mixed emotions for me. 

 In years to come, I will not associate this date with any negative emotions. This year it is a little raw for obvious reasons. It is best to remember the reason why this date is usually a happy one for me.

 25th June 2005

Ten things you didn't know about me (until now).

I have been tagged by the lovely and very funny, London City Mum in one of those Spanish Inquistion stylee type tags. This basically means that she gets to ask me and four others ten questions about absolutely whatever takes her fancy. Thankfully, none of them are too rude. I can't promise the same of my answers...........

1. Name of your first pet?

Moby Dick. For real. I should point out that he was a Fish. Would have a been a pretty stupid name for a Spaniel.

2. Your most delectable piece of lingerie?

Wouldn't that be telling? Ah yes, I am required to answer these aren't I. Well, back in the day, Mr Nudie used to buy me the occasional set of lingerie. I say back in the day, not because he no longer buys me gifts- he does, but these days- post episiotomy I am Big Panty Woman. Try making a sexy gift out of those bad boys. Anyway, I digress. Imagine my surprise and delight when one day, I opened a parcel to find the ubiquitous pink and black box synonymous with Agent Provocateur. Mr Nudie, I thought, you have done well. Then I opened the box. Inside, I found a half cup bra and a pair of matching crotchless panties. Delightful. For those unfamiliar with half cup bras, allow me to explain. They do what it says on the tin. There is half a cup, you bend forward only slightly and your tits fall out. I think that's the point of them though. The crotchless panties need no explanation (I hope). His response 'You buy yourself underwear. I buy you funderwear'. Of course. Silly me for even thinking I could work a twelve hour day in a half cup bra...............

3. Be a famous person for a day - who and why?

Ooh. This is a tricky one. I don't care much for celebrities. You'll never find me flicking through OK! or HELLO magazine. I lived in Hampstead for seven years where they are two a penny. I even bumped into (literally) Jude Law once on a zebra crossing. Not bothered. Ok, that was a lie. He was HOT.
 I wouldn't particularly like to be famous, imagine living your life in the public glare? No thanks. However, If I had to choose one famous person to be I would probably go all out and be Madonna. Not because I admire her or even particularly like her, but because she is as famous as it's possible to be. If I'm only doing this for one day, I want it all- the entourage of minions catering to my every whim, billion dollar wardrobe, the lot. Failing that, I think I'd be happy just to be Dervla Kirwan because she gets to shag my answer to  question 7 every night.

4. Your neighbour's dog chews up your prized, and very expensive, Manolos. What do you do?

This is a hypothetical question, as I'm highly unlikely to ever own a pair of Manolos and if I did, my own daft Dog would probably eat them before my neighbour's would. Quite honestly though, those shoes are so damned expensive I'd be tempted to wait for the pieces to come out at the end of their journey and stick them back together. Seriously.

5. If you could only eat three things for the rest of your life, what would they be?

I've often thought about this. Well, I think about food a lot. I wonder what I would choose as my last meal if I knew it was my last day on earth and I could have absolutely anything I wanted. I'll answer this question as if it were a three course meal. To begin, I would have Insalate Caprese. You know the Italian salad of Avocado, Mozzarella and Tomato? I love that, so simple. I could eat it all day and not tire of it. Secondly, I would have Scallops served on a base of Cauliflower puree. Not as icky as it sounds. This is a traditional French way of serving Scallops and I was lucky enough to eat it once at the Plaza Athenee in Paris. Sublime. I would have that for dinner every night if I could. Lastly, my choice of dessert is not especially refined, but I could eat Dime bars until they come out of my ears. Love them. I'm hungry now. 

6. Caught speeding. How do you get out of it?

Another hypothetical one- I can't drive. I would make like a scout and be prepared, of course. It would be a hot policeman and I would be wearing my half cup bra, *leans over the bonnet* 'I'm so sorry officer, was I going too fast?'.......

7. Secret crush as an adult?

No hesitation here. Rupert Penry-Jones (the actor from Spooks). Yum. It's no secret that I have the hots for him, I started a Facebook group a couple of years ago called 'I want to marry Rupert Penry-Jones and have his babies'. I did. Go and look. Subtle eh?

8. Which side of the bed do you sleep on?

The right hand side, nearest the door (good to sneak a Dog in for a cuddle once the Mr is asleep). The ensuite is on this side of the room too. Very handy when pregnant (or drunk) to stagger out in the middle of the night for a pee without bumping into anything.

9. Tom Cruise: kiss, marry or send to live permanently with the Pope?

I do not like short men. Fact. I have never understood Tom Cruises appeal to be quite honest, and the Scientology thing? Wacko. Send him to live with the Pope. I'd love to be a fly on the wall whilst they  debate God versus the Aliens creating the earth.

10. Rudest word you have in your (child-free) vocabulary?

 Had to ask that didn't you.?!.......I have several (anyone reading this follow me on Twitter after the watershed?). I use the C word a lot. A lot of people (women mainly) seem to have a real problem with this word. I don't, it's just a word. I don't use it in a sexual context, I agree that used like that it's pretty vulgar. No, I would say 'what a C***'. Or something. I'm not a trackie bottomed wearing harridian who shouts expletives at her kids in the street. I'm a normal, vaguely middle class-ish professional person with an otherwise good command of the English language. If a few profanities slip into my everyday conversation, so be it. I also love the words Cock, Wank, Minge and Fuck.

Oh, and I have a childish, slightly crass sense of humour. I am as likely to be found reading my (equally childish and crass) husbands copy of Viz as I am the Sunday Times.  

If you want to read the answers that the four other bloggers have left to these questions ( I haven't yet, it would have felt like cheating) they are: Nickie at Typecast, Carly at Mummy's Shoes, Tattooed Mummy and Heather at Notes from Lapland. Enjoy.

The Gallery. Creatures

The Gallery: Week 16.

Rude Monkeys.

The theme for The Gallery over at Sticky Fingers this week is Creatures. I was going to dedicate this post to my two idiot Dogs, but they are such immense characters I think they deserve a post all to themselves at a later date. I was watching a David Attenborough DVD with the Little Prince earlier and he was completely mesmerised by the Monkeys. A light bulb flashed over my little head.

 As a child, I lived for a while in Gibraltar and one of my earliest memories is of the Monkeys that live on the Rock brazenly walking up to people and stealing anything that wasn't nailed down. I learned pretty soon how erm, Monkey babies are made too. Anyway, watching the film reminded me of how brilliant and funny they are. A few years ago, Mr Nudie and I went to Indonesia. We visited the 'Monkey Forest' in Bali and like a pair of kids we went round giggling at our Primate cousins performing every act in the Monkey Kama Sutra and taking pictures  of it all for prosperity.
 Seriously though, I do love Monkeys. They are fascinating creatures.

Snigger

Chortle....

Bit blurry, there was a lot of motion, ahem......

The Gallery. Motherhood.

The Gallery. Week 15: Motherhood.

The theme for The Gallery over at Sticky Fingers this week is Motherhood. Not as easy as it sounds. Trying to define what Motherhood means to me in just one image is difficult as I have so many images of my little boy that make me proud, bring tears to my eyes and all of the other emotions that you can feel in just one day as a Mother.
I chose this one eventually. It's special because there aren't many photographs of us together and because he's still very newborn in it. This means that I was still caught up in the haze of new Motherhood. Remember that? I would spend hours marvelling at the wonder of my own creation and not quite believing it was really happening at all.

I want to share a little story that sums up Motherhood for me right now. My Little Prince is completely obsessed with the film UP at the moment. This evening, I was on my way home from work still pondering what I was going to write for this post. I opened a message from Mr Nudie that made me well up in the same way this photograph does. He was watching UP with the boy after collecting him from nursery and had been trying to explain the bits in the film where the old man looks really happy with his wife in photographs.

Boy: 'I don won wife'

Mr Nudie: 'That's Ok, you don't have to have one'

Boy: 'I just won duddle my Mummy'.

That, my friends, is what Motherhood is all about.

Shit my kid says

Hello little blog. Sorry I have neglected you for a couple of weeks, I had a rubbish essay to write for a day-job related course. Anyway, it's in now so I thought it high time I wrote something of my own choosing and without Harvard referencing...........

NP xx


Shit my kid says..............
Kidisms. Straight out of the mouth of babes. However you prefer to describe the funny shit kids say. It is funny. My little prince will be three in August and over the past year, as his vocabulary has developed from the smattering of words he had at his second birthday to the almost full sentences he has now, he has come out with some absolute gems.


Following a particularly long forage up his nose one morning, he proudly presented me with some treasure,

N: 'Look! Bogie!'
Me: 'That's nice, I'll get you a tissue'
N: 'Mummy, eat!'
Me: 'Erm, no thank you'
N: 'It nice bogie, Mummy'..........
Lovely.

Whilst wiping his bottom,

'Mummy, stop! I gotta poot!'

Nice of him to warn me before he farted on my hand.

I'm trying to get him out of nappies,

Me: 'Would you like to sit on the toilet before you get in the bath?'

N: 'No. I do my wees in the barf'

He loves our Dogs. He often walks up to them to give them a hug. I recently overheard him say,

'You alwight, darlin? You got Eye bogie? I get it for you'.

He knows them well though. I was complaining about something being a bit stinky earlier, his reply?

'Like Dog fart Mummy?'

The other day, I put a dress on. I don't wear them often,

N: 'You wear pretty dress mummy? You gon do some dancin?'

All kids go through a fussy eating stage (don't they?) The boy is no different. He sits and picks at food, so I ask 'Why aren't you eating that?'

N: 'It bit spicy, I not like it'

I have not taught him that word. The food is not spicy, it's Eggs on toast or something. Now, if something is not to his liking, it's 'spicy'.

Staring at my boobs one morning as I'm getting dressed,

N: 'Mummy, I did drink your boobies when I baby?'

Me: 'Erm, Yes'

Thinks about this for a while, then glances over at the Dogs sleeping on the bed,

N: 'You did give your boobies the Dogs when they puppies?'

I didn't answer that one, I was too busy wetting myself laughing.

Probably his piece de resistance. He's playing and he drops something,

N: 'Fox sake'

I ignore it. (Well, that's what the books say to you're supposed to do).

N: 'Oh, FOX sake!' This time it's accompanied by a gesture of exasperation and a roll of the eyes. He means it. Bless him. Clearly, he *may* have overheard Mummy curse once or twice and he doesn't understand the F word. But he knows what a Fox is.............

I would LOVE to hear some of the funniest things your kids have said. The Little Prince has said far more than I have written here, but I can't remember half of it sadly. Its very possible there will be a Shit My Kid Says 2 at some point. I'm sure most parents could write a book on the subject.